When I got measured for my wedding dress years ago, there are a few things I remember vividly. First, after my measurements were taken, the saleswoman told me “well, your measurements put you at a size four, but your a little too busty for that, so we’ll order you a six. Are you okay with that?” HELL YEAH I WAS!!! First of all, the only time I was a size four, I was probably eleven or twelve. And no one had ever accused me of being busty before. I wanted to go places and say, you know, I’m busty. Sure, you may think she was closing the sale, and knew just what to say, but I don’t care!!! Anyway, the other thing that stands out was she told me that brides always show stress in one of two ways–they either eat a lot, or they don’t eat anything. At that time, I was in the latter group. When it was time to have alterations done, not a single thing needed to change. It fit perfectly. While I didn’t lose any weight, I was a bit too skinny for my 5’9″ frame. Fear not, I gained weight with my sister while she was pregnant the following year, back into a healthy range.
Looking back at the stressful times in my life, you could easily see how I dealt with stress. I didn’t eat. I never had an appetite, and the weight fell off. Not the healthiest way to be, but that’s what it was. When Zach was sick, I was still breastfeeding. Not eating wasn’t an option. I wasn’t hungry, but I forced myself to eat so I could feed him. The hospital was very breastfeeding friendly, and I got three meals per day free from the cafeteria (the food wasn’t bad either). The times at the hospital and immediately after were full of stress, but as things seemed to settle down, a huge wave of latent stress hit hard. While the usual me would have kept to sipping water and eating string cheese, the breastfeeding me saw no other option but to eat my feelings. I needed to feed my baby.
Sure, I ate a lot of healthy foods. But there was a lot of it, and a bit of not so good stuff either. I felt like I deserved it. It felt soothing, though it really wasn’t. It became a habit, and I got used to eating whenever and whatever I wanted. I’ll say too that being a SAHM sure gives me more access to food whenever I want it, and I took advantage of it. And like so many other things, I felt if I broke this habit or did something slightly different than the day before, or even relaxed a little, all hell would break loose. Again. And now I am only five pounds lighter than my highest weight while I was pregnant with Zach. I had been down fifteen pounds, and was holding on to those last ten intentionally for milk supply (actually, my body was holding on to those for m). Now I was almost back to where I started. So after all is said and done, I have twenty pounds to lose. I’ve never had twenty pounds to lose. I’m in new territory.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, and even resolved about twelve years ago to never make another one (still holding strong to that one!), but I’m jumping on the bandwagon of weightloss, and it happens to be at a time when a lot of people are making resolutions about getting in shape and losing weight. My cousin and I agreed to run a half marathon together in May 2011, and this is my ultimate motivation. Also, during Lent in 2011, I have decided to give up meat to see if I can live as a vegetarian, and how it makes me feel. More on that in February.
So, I know I need to kick the Coke (-a-cola, that is) addiction and I will be a huge step ahead. And I need to run again. Not sure how that is going to work out since we’re moving to a snowy place, but one thing at a time. And I need to lift weights again. And I need to do it slowly. Still feeding that baby. Wish me luck.