Whatifwhatifwhatif

There was sad news from Nebraska a few days ago. A little boy in a town outside of Lincoln died from complications of meningitis. This poor little guy was so sick his arms and legs had to be amputated, and ultimately wasn’t going to get better. I had followed this story since I first heard about it on the news. I hear “meningitis” and I want to crawl into a hole. The town rallied behind this little guy, and I know there were a ton of prayers sent his way, but God had other plans.

What makes it so hard to read is playing the “what if” game in my mind. What if Zach didn’t have the seizure that prompted us to the ER, what if we had waited to go to the hospital, what if the ER doc waited to do a spinal tap, whatifwhatifwhatif. I doesn’t do me any good to do that to myself, but I read about Josef and wonder why our outcome got to be different. Why did we deserve this? I’m grateful that it turned out well (this is one of those moments where no words can describe how I feel. I am ready to throw myself on the ground crying and give up everything I have I’m so grateful my Zach is still alive).

We look for order and reason in things, and in this case, there isn’t any. We didn’t have to earn his survival, it didn’t come from paying our bills on time, keeping our house clean, not swearing, eating vegetables, driving the speed limit, just as much as the other boy’s family didn’t do anything to deserve their fate either. It was out of everyone’s hands. The doctors in both cases did everything they could, and in our case it worked.

I was in tears for a long time after reading about Josef. It brought back a lot of emotion for me, and I felt for his mother what I was afraid I was going to feel myself last May. I kept it on a shelf, ready to go just in case. Somehow that was supposed to prepare me for the worst. For a long time, I felt like if I were to relax for any length of time, the next bad thing was going to happen, as a punishment for feeling comfortable for the first time in a long time. Crying for Josef and his family helped get that pent up emotion out. There is still a lot there that needs to work its way out, but until then, this is a start.

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One Response to Whatifwhatifwhatif

  1. Kendra says:

    This is the same feeling we felt when Jack was in the hospital as a baby. There were several babies that died while we were in the NICU, and it was so difficult to process those emotions, knowing that it was only by the grace of God that it wasn’t him. Thank you so much for sharing this, Sara!

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