I’ve been MIA lately. We’ve had two weekends back in NE to work on our house, which is still not rented out yet (hint hint, if you are looking for a nice, 3br, 2ba house that has a view of a lake and a big backyard, let me know), and the kids have been a handful lately. Zach has had tummy problems thanks to the stomach bug that seems to be taking over the United States. Jacob is regressing because of all of the change and stress lately. Izzy is, well, Izzy. A lot of demand on mommy, and not much mommy left for mommy.
I’ve been feeling very drained lately. I’ve been meeting with the Birth to Three service people a lot over the past two weeks, which is wonderful but time consuming. And I had to tell Zach’s story over and over about 5 times this week, which can be emotionally draining, and monotonous. I may just write out a manuscript and hand it out, and wait for questions at the end. Not that big a deal, I guess. I’m still working on potty training Izzy, and she has no interest. We found a preschool that will take her, but she needs to be potty trained, and that isn’t enough motivation for her. I may see if she can spend one morning there to see what she’s missing. Muahahaha. Playtime with her has become exhausting because we must follow a specific script at all times! “Now you say this. Now you say this. Now you say this.” I’ve spent countless hours in psychology classes, women’s studies classes, and reading books on feminism and gender differences. Now after having boys and a girl, I strongly believe there are a lot of traits that are inherent to gender, and are not taught. I can get into that another time, but Izzy’s emerging personality really seals that opinion for me. Again, Jake is regressing and won’t dress himself. So there’s that struggle between making him feel cared for and comforted and not still dressing him when he’s thirty. Josh has been stressed with taking care of two houses, work, and worrying about the kids, among other things. And all of this collective stress lands on my shoulders, because I’m mommy and the glue trying to hold all of this together.
So, I’m drained, and there isn’t any me left for me. Any attempts to carve out something for myself get squashed pretty quickly. So, this is what I’m dealing with right now, and not sure how to do that. I can say over and over again “I don’t have anything left for anyone,” but that doesn’t matter. I’m mommy. Just dig deeper. And they all wonder why I lose it sometimes. Seriously, there is actual surprise. That I haven’t figured out. I just want some time to be left alone.
In the meantime, I’ve gained a little perspective. I’ve seen my prayer list grow significantly over this past week, especially with stories of parents with sick kids. Some I know, some I’ve heard of through others. I’m grateful that I’m not on that list. I’ve been on that list, and it is heartbreaking. So I’m praying for them, and am no longer feeling sorry for myself. If anyone is at their breaking point, it is those parents.
My blah will go away eventually. I’m feeling homesick and don’t have much by way of an outlet to deal with it. That’s up to me. I need to get out and explore more, but just need to figure out how. Wish me luck.