April Fool

July 20, 2012 marked ten years of marriage. I was happy. Much like the big wedding day, temperatures were very hot. There was a great anniversary dinner date planned, and I had a surprise to share–days earlier I had a positive pregnancy test. Actually, three. I kept that secret ready to share the news on the special day. It was a surprise to me as well as anyone who heard the news. I was thrilled. Ever since a false alarm earlier in the year, I had an aching for another child. I had started some early pregnancy symptoms and felt different. Having done this three times before, I had my suspicions of what was happening. I waited to test, but still tested early as I had each pregnancy before.

Plans were made, and at this point this was old hat. One quick and dirty pregnancy calculator predicted a due date of March 28, 2013, another predicted April 1, 2013. I enjoyed this place for about five days, when after that I learned things may be in jeopardy. After a call to the doctor and a few instructions, it was time to wait and see. The next day I went in for some testing, and the results were devastating. Blood testing showed hCG levels were low enough to indicate either a very early miscarriage, or that I hadn’t been pregnant at all, or as I call it, not meant to be or nothing at all. I was crushed. I wanted it. I had become attached and the thought was ripped away from me.

I knew that even though I was heartbroken, God knew better. Even as discussion took place about the meaning of this, whether or not to have another child, what that would mean for the future, I knew everything as always was in God’s hands. In light of recent events, I know that if I were currently pregnant, this situation would be exponentially more complicated. It’s bad enough as it is. One thing I’m trying to learn is that my life is headed in a direction I didn’t anticipate. I’m well aware that things seldom go as planned, and that in life you don’t always get your way. Anyone who scoffs at the thought of me knowing that needs to keep in mind all I have faced in my life. I know how to roll with it when things change. I know how to make the best out of any situation. I know that this too shall pass. I have been seasoned to face adversity, and to accept what is handed to me, even if I’m not happy about it.

I have felt foolish lately being happy anytime before November. When things got rough, I approached them knowing I would hold on to my convictions and upholding any vow I had made. I know I did that. As I look back, I can’t see anything I would change or do differently.

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