It Never Ends

Pizzazzle will soon be moving to a new site with a new name. I’ll provide updates as they happen. 

This one is for my parenting soul mates. My Facebook feed has been filled with debates about parents v. the childless and who has it worse. Because it all needs to be a competition. Most of my ranting on the subject happens in my private Facebook groups or when I’m together with friends who are also parents. I was once single and childless, then married and childless, married with children, and now single with children. Ahh. Which one is the most difficult? I’ll let you guess 😉   (I’M KIDDING!!!! Sort of).

While I’m not trying to add to the debate, here’s something that many or most of the childless have not encountered (notable exception: nurses, health aides, doctors, etc.)…sitting at home, finally comfortable after a busy day, the dishwasher loaded and running, laundry folded (may or may not be put away), and then calls a voice from afar…

“I NEED YOU TO WIPE MY BUTT!!!!!!”

And there goes the happy feeling. From the day this beautiful child entered the world he or she has continued to crap and crap and crap and crap some more. Many of the principles of physics that were drilled into my brain in college seem as out of date as the notion of the world being flat. The law of conservation of mass doesn’t seem to apply. What comes out did NOT equal what went in, and weight gain doesn’t explain the difference at all!! (Yeah yeah yeah, energy expenditure and all but in that short of time? I don’t think so!) Anyhoo, this beautiful being has pooped nonstop. Us parents all rejoice when it’s time to begin potty training (the pitfalls are far to many to address here), and finally when it’s all done, we think “hooray!!!” Especially when the last one is out of diapers!!!

But wait—there is a lovely lingering time when these beautiful angels can’t wipe themselves well. Sigh. I don’t think it’s because no one talks about it, more like we live in denial about it. Sit any two or more mothers together and inevitably they will start talking about kids and poop. My friend and I talk about our kids and poop so much at work (among other kid stories) we believe we’ve prevented many of those around us from ever having kids (who says abstinence only doesn’t work??? It just needs a little poop talk). No one knows for sure how long this goes on. How do you know when you’ve wiped your kids butt for the first time? It’s not like there’s a spot to record it in the baby books (because I’ve kept up on those…yes…I have……..). Great, now that I’ve put that into the universe it will be the next celebrated milestone. I should get the copyrights taken care of now.

For me the most unbelievable part of it all is the conversations I can’t believe have happened….for instance:

Mom: okay, you’re done.
Child: Um, I don’t think you are. Can you wipe me once more?
Mom: No, you’re all clean.
Child: just once more? It feels like there’s still poop there
Mom: I’m looking right at your butt, there’s nothing there
Child: But I think there is
Mom: There isn’t. If any more toilet paper goes in the bowl it will clog.
Child: Okay. Are you sure?
Mom: Yes. Flush the toilet
Child: What if it clogs?
Mom: It’s not going to clog.
Child: But if it does?
Mom: Then we’ll have to plunge the toilet
Child: What if that doesn’t work?
Mom: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it
Child: Are you sure you know what you’re doing?

No, kid. I have no idea what I’m doing.

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